I'm keeping it 100% REAL in this article because I can't do anything except that.
In our society, even among Christians, many boys are secondhand participants in sex via pornography. Pornography and masturbation often go hand in hand, since watching porn arouses the person watching it and arousal demands release. So a lot of boys grow up thinking that what they watch on their computers is what sex is really like.
And then they get married and carry those expectations into their marriage bed and get disappointed when real life is very different.
Wives are encouraged to "submit" to their husbands, and often end up going along with things they aren't comfortable with, but compromise their consciences to do in order to keep their husbands happy.
Sometimes, when the wife stands her ground and refuses to do certain things with her husband, her husband respects her wishes-but continues to watch porn and masturbate because he's become so used to satisfying those urges that he feels he can't help it.
Either way, this isn't what God intended sex to be between a husband and wife. So if you're in a marriage where you feel dissatisfied with your sex life because you think your wife is too uptight and refuses to do certain things in bed, here are some things I think you need to think about.
1. The sex you see in PORN shouldn't be like the sex you have with your wife.
The sex you see in porn is completely selfish-one person is using another person to satisfy their urges. There's no emotional connection, no shared values, no intimacy. It's almost as if they've taken sex and made a joke of it because the vulnerability and emotional connection isn't there at all, and that's what makes sex between a husband and wife so beautiful.
When you love someone, you strive to make them happy, to share every intimate detail of your life with them. Porn and masturbation are the opposite of that. The people participating in pornography treat each other like objects-they're actors trying to get paid and this is the person they're using to do it. The person watching porn and masturbating is trying to please themselves.
When you carry that mindset into your marriage, you start to use your wife the same way. When you go to bed together and start making love, the desire to please self will come out and you'll be willing to make her go against her own conscience to do it.
2. Making your wife go against her conscience is an act of betrayal that will break her trust in you.
If sex is all about pleasing you, it'll become just another chore on your wife's list, and she'll probably try to avoid it as much as she can. In fact, over time she may become resentful because she senses that sex is more about you using her than it is about expressing the intimacy that exists between you.
It's important that you respect your wife's boundaries (yes, there ARE boundaries even in sex between married people). Forcing her through guilt or other kinds of manipulation will erode her trust. She'll wonder, "Does he really love me, or am I just someone he can use to live out his sexual fantasies?"
It's crucial that you learn how to make sex about pleasing your wife. The more she feels cherished and adored, the more she'll trust her instincts and feel free to express her love for you with her body. But if you break her trust by making her feel like an object, you'll miss out on how wonderful sex can truly be. Respecting your wife and encouraging her to speak up about what she does and doesn't feel comfortable doing in bed is a sign of maturity and true love.
3. You're going to need to reprogram your brain.
Watching pornography does a lot of damage. Not only does it become a habit that is VERY hard to break, but it also shapes your view of sexuality in general. Don't get me wrong, God created us as sexual beings. But pornography and masturbation as a way to fulfill sexual desire is a corruption of God's plan for sex. It places the focus on self, and that's completely contrary to how God operates. God is love, and God does everything according to the principle of self-sacrificing love.
If your focus is on self in regards to sex, chances are your focus is self in other things too. Your marriage can only be strengthened by your decision to detox your brain from porn and its lies. You'll need to delete all of your browser's cookies and even install software that will alert your wife in case you get tempted to view porn again. Accountability breaks the hold of secret sin over our lives. So talk to your wife, let her know that you plan on removing porn from your life, and get an additional accountability partner that you can talk to when you feel tempted to give in.
God created sex to be an expression of the intimacy that exists between a husband and wife. Don't let porn rob you of that gift.
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