Do You Have A Marriage Mindset?


Every time I reflect on my journey from singleness to marriage, and now being a wife with kids, one thing continues to stand out to me: it’s all about mindset.

When my husband and I first started dating, we clashed A LOT. We had been great friends up until that point, but once our differences started causing disagreements between us, I would lose my temper, ignore his calls and text messages, and basically “punish” him. In my mind I was setting boundaries in our relationship and showing him exactly what I would and would NOT put up with.

But as I continued that pattern into our marriage, I realized that my habits were going to destroy my marriage slow if I let them continue. Every time something happened between us I was making it all about myself and seeing him as the villain in the situation.

I was selfish.

If you haven’t read it already, I wrote a post about the night we had our biggest fight. It was the turning point in our relationship, because my eyes were finally opened to the truth.

Our marriage wasn’t about me. It was about US.

The thing you have to remember when you go through rough patches in your marriage is that the RELATIONSHIP is the most important thing. Yes, your feelings count. Yes, your spouse’s issues have to be addressed. But you can only work things out properly when you’re doing it with the mindset of making your relationship better.

Here are some ways having the marriage mindset enhances your relationship with your spouse:

1.  It gives you courage to let go of destructive habits. Some of us struggle with deep-rooted issues that result in destructive decisions: addictions, affairs, porn, fault-finding, verbal abuse. When your relationship becomes your internal priority, you’ll quickly realize that you can’t continue to indulge in these things AND have a great relationship with your spouse. You’ll give up whatever is necessary in order to build and heal your marriage.

2.  It gives you courage to forgive sincerely. When you feel resentful about having to put your pride aside, it’s because you’ve made yourself the most important person in the relationship, instead of the relationship itself. When your relationship is the priority, you’ll forgive freely once you’ve made peace with your partner’s mistakes because you know that you can only move forward if you work together to get past it. You realize that growth takes time and they won’t get it right every time.

3. It gives you courage to get help-before it's too late. When your marriage is the priority, and not your pride, you’ll realize that you don’t have all the answers. You’ll see that you can’t do it all by yourself. And that will lead you to seek wisdom and accountability from people who have great marriages, counselors, or therapists. Anyone who feels like they don’t want people knowing their business, or that they don’t need help even when their marriage is on the brink of shattering, is still putting their ego first. EVERYONE needs accountability. EVERYONE has something they can improve on.

The love that you share with your spouse is sacred. It’s beautiful. And when you switch your mindset from “me” to “we,” you ensure that your marriage will stand any test that you comes your way.

Until next time!

Remember to comment below and let me know what you’ve discovered about the “marriage mindset” in your own experience.

Sign up to get my articles and monthly ebooks on marriage sent to your inbox!

Name *

What Killmonger in Black Panther Taught Me About Love and Family


*****Warning: This article contains SPOILERS for Black Panther, so if you haven’t seen it yet, you know what to do 😊

Last Sunday husbae and I went to see Black Panther and it was A-MAZING! Aside from all the deep lessons on politics, race, and culture, I also got some great takeaways from it on love and family.

1.       Deal with your past. Because of choices his family members made, Killmonger grew up without a father, in the hood. Worse, he KNEW that he had family out there somewhere, living a life way better than his, and had left him to face it alone. Understandably, he had a lot of bitterness and anger about that. So when he tried to make things better for his people, all that resentment was still there, driving his decisions.   The scene where he kills his own girlfriend, his ride or die, in order to kill Klaue and get to Wakanda, shows this in a big way. He was willing to sacrifice her life in order to accomplish what he thought was best. He wanted to help black people around the world, but he didn’t realize whatt he was destroying in order to do it. When he came to power, the unity that existed between the tribes of Wakanda was shattered, and civil war broke out.

When we let our pain define us and drive our decisions, we end up destroying everything we touch. Even if you have great intentions, you don’t have the discernment to go about it in a constructive way. When you get close to people, the pain you refuse to let go of will end up driving them away because you won’t know how to deal with stuff that triggers those memories. If you truly love your partner, you’ll do what it takes to get healing and deal with your issues so that they don’t end up dealing with you.

2.       Your decisions don’t just affect you. When Eric/Killmonger went to the ancestral plain to talk to his father, it broke my heart. His father said, “No tears for me?” Eric replied, “Everyone dies, that’s just the way things are around here.” His father decided to stay in the hood and live off illegal activities in order to accomplish what he saw as Black liberation. But the Wakandan values of family were lost in exchange. His son had become desensitized and shut himself off emotionally. He had no empathy for others, no moral code. He became a man bent on revenge. Tears flowed down his father’s face as he realized what he had sacrificed with his decisions, and the role he had played in his son becoming the man he was now.

 In my 4 years of parenting, I can honestly say that ALL of my habits show up in my kids, in some form or another. They don’t just listen to what I say, they listen to what I DO. So there’s been a LOT of adjustment on my part as I realize that I’ve got some things in me that I need to change in order for my kids to be successful, productive, and happy people. If I react emotionally every time they do something wrong, they learn to go by their feelings when making decisions. Everything you do now becomes a legacy for your kids and future generations.

What do you want YOUR legacy to your family to be?

Comment below on your takeaways from Black Panther. What did it teach you about love and family? And what legacy do you want to leave your kids? 

P.S. We have a FREE webinar about 3 Secrets to a Happy Healthy Marriage going on tomorrow night! Are you signed up yet? 

I Let Him Go To Bed Mad at Me (Here's Why)

You ever had a fight with your spouse where you feel embarrassed later when you remember the things you said?

I have. This week, as a matter of fact.

And because I always use my own life as an object lesson for our readers, I’m going to share this embarrassing tiff we had.

We were sitting down together on the couch. The lights were dimmed, the Christmas tree was lit up, and the kids were asleep. And there we were…..having a budget meeting.

I should pause here to mention that I can be a bit of a defensive person.

So there we were, about to end our meeting. We were done going through the budget for the upcoming month.  We had discussed adjustments we needed to make in certain areas, and I was feeling so proud of myself for having made it through the meeting without getting frustrated or anxious.

I celebrated too soon.

My husband brought up the idea of debt consolidation. I was against the idea and I explained why. He disagreed with me and we went back and forth for a minutes trying to talk one another out of our different opinions. Finally, he told me in a tone dripping with sarcasm that maybe I should be the one to do some research on it, since he’s the one that “always handles stuff like this.”

Well. That did not go down well with me.  I replied in a tone that was equally laced with sarcasm, “Well, maybe if you’d married somebody else, your life would be perfect.”

Yes, you guys. I took it there. It was super wrong, I admit it. But that’s what I said.

Things only went downhill from there. “You’d love that wouldn’t you? That way you could run back to your mom!” And with that he stomped down the hall to go sulk in our bedroom.

Of course, I wasn’t going to let him have the last word. “It’s not too late,” I called out as he left. Then I sat there in the dark room by myself looking at the Christmas tree. It didn’t take more than 2 minutes for me to feel incredibly childish and disgusted with myself for reacting the way I had.

I didn’t want us to go to bed angry with each other, so after a few more minutes of sitting there by myself (my pride, yal’ll!) I slipped off the couch and walked toward the room. When I opened the door there he was on the bed in the dark, scrolling on the computer. I stood there for a second, not knowing how to start my apology. Our eyes met and he immediately shut the computer screen and turned away.

I got into the bed and pulled up the covers under my chin and then scooted over so that I was spooning his back. “I’m sorry,” I whispered to the back of his head.

“Ok,” was his muffled response.

“I’m really sorry babe. Do you accept my apology?” I moved even closer and squeeze-hugged him from behind so that he could tell I was sincere about making up.

“Yes, but I don’t feel like talking right now.”

I felt so bad. I knew the words I said out of pride had hurt him. Now I was ready to make up, but he wasn’t, and I didn’t blame him. So instead of trying to force him to talk it out with me, I decided to let him have his space.

“Do you want me to move over?” I asked. He quickly, “Yes, please.” So I rolled back over to my side of the bed and closed my eyes.

A couple of hours later I felt his arms around me in my sleep. “I’m sorry too,” he whispered in my ear. Or at least that’s what I remembered him saying before I fell back into unconsciousness.

The next morning we had a nice long talk about the whole situation, where we both apologized for our behavior towards each other.

I’m glad I let my husband have his space to process his emotions and thoughts instead of trying to force him to talk it out. I know that talking about stuff in the moment seems like a good idea, and it can be for some people. But some types of people don’t do well with trying to talk about an issue in the heat of the moment. Sometimes the hurt is too fresh for them to just put it behind them and forgive right away.

This situation also showed me that even though I get angry quickly and cool down just as fast (most of the time), I can’t just let stuff fly out my mouth. Words can’t ever be taken back, even when you ask for forgiveness sincerely. The hurt takes time to heal, and sometimes it does permanent damage to the relationship. 

I needed to sleep on the cold side of the bed that night to understand how much a few moments of temper can cause a bigger separation between my husband and I. I had made my bed and I needed to lie in it, so to speak. I couldn’t try to rush him into making up with me, especially when I was just as much at fault.

If your spouse is one of those people who takes a long time to get over stuff, don’t try to guilt them over it. It isn’t their responsibility to soothe your guilty conscience. Love, not force, is what conquers all. So love your spouse enough to give them the time and space they need to come to terms with their anger or hurt. Let them decide when they’re ready to make up. Otherwise that resentment and bitterness will always be simmering just beneath the surface of your interactions, slowly poisoning your relationship over time.

True forgiveness takes time to emerge. Forgiveness forced from a sense of obligation or duty isn’t real, and the cracks will start to show sooner or later. Do your spouse and your marriage a favor and give them the time they need to truly forgive you.

You won’t regret it.

Sign up to get our blogs sent directly to your inbox every week!

Name *



I Had To Remind Him To Hold Hands (And It Made Me Mad)

  A couple of months ago, my husband and I were driving to a restaurant on our monthly date night. I was super excited because, well, I got all dolled up for the occasion. I had on a shortish lacy, off-the-should dress with my hair done and a lipstick that made my mouth look all kissable. I had on perfume and heels. We got a friend of ours to baby-sit the kids and had even rented a fancy car for the occasion. I felt beautiful, unstoppable. I felt fierce.

  So here we are in the car on our way to strip on the beach where the restaurant is located. I darted my eyes sideways to steal a glance at my husband. His eyes are on the road and music is playing in the car as he sings along. I scroll through my Facebook feed for a few minutes, then put my phone down and sigh a bit dramatically.

No response.

I roll my eyes and reach over to lightly place my hand over his on the gear stick. I gently roll my thumb back and forth over the back of this hand.


Finally I couldn’t take it anymore.

“When we were dating you ALWAYS used to reach for my hand when you were driving,” I exploded.

  Jono glanced over at me in surprised confusion. “Matter fact, you actually used to get mad at me for not holding hands with you more often in the car. I guess now that you got access to booty any time now, there’s no need for any of that,” I went on.

  You might think I was overreacting at that moment, but believe me, that conversation had happened several times before, and here we were again.

  He quickly grabbed my hand, squeezing and caressing it with him thumb. He had that sheepish grin on his face that he gets when he knows he’s wrong. “I’m sorry babe, you’re right.”

  I leaned back in my seat as I tried to calm myself down and decrease my rising blood pressure. His thumb started working it’s magic in seconds and I looked over at him again. “Let’s not be mad, okay mama?” he continued. He went on for a few minutes to admit that he isn’t as physically affectionate as he used to be but that he’s working on it, that it has nothing to do with me and it’s just him having a lot on his mind, etc.

  Our date night continued smoothly after that exchange (can’t waste a baby-free night ya’ll!) but it got me to thinking (again) about how time impacts romance in marriage. 

  See, when we were dating, living several blocks away from each other, sleeping in separate beds (with separate bank accounts), we couldn’t wait to be with each other again. Whenever we were together we would hold hands, hug, and sit super close to each other because we knew that eventually we’d have to separate until the next time our schedules allowed us to spend time together. Things got even MORE intense when he left on a year-long mission trip.

  But when you get married, the dynamic changes. You go to sleep together. You wake up together (hello morning breath!). You brush your teeth at the sink while your spouse does their business on the toilet, and you even wash their dirty underwear without blinking an eye. In a word, you get FAMILIAR.

  That’s when it gets really easy to take your spouse for granted and stop treating them the way you did when your love still felt new. It’s like a gradual transition from making out while saying hi to just “Hey, did you remember to pick up milk at the store? ” When you see someone all the time and they become a part of the environment around you, it’s natural for some of the spark to fade.

  That’s why BEING INTENTIONAL matters. You have to start reminding yourself about the things that attract you to your spouse. You have to revisit the memories you made together and recount the things you’ve gone through as a couple, the obstacles you’ve overcome. You have to move appointments around on the calendar so that you can leave work early and spend some time alone without the kids.

  Being intentional about keeping the romance between you and your spouse going isn’t easy. You may have to put alerts on your phone to remind you to do the special stuff until it becomes second nature again. But that’s okay.

  Every couple that’s been married for more than a couple of years eventually has to start being intentional about keeping the romance alive in the relationship. There’s no shame in that. What is wrong is when you don’t make an effort to recalibrate and get things back on track. A romance-less marriage eventually dwindles to basic cohabitation, a roommate with occasional benefits.

  If you noticed that you and your spouse have lost your spark, it’s okay to get upset and voice your concern. It’s okay to fight for your marriage. That means that it still means something to you. It’s okay that I got passionate about my husband not holding my hand because it shows him that I still crave his touch and want his full attention. It reminded him that our romantic connection is still important to me.

So fight on friends! Keep that flame going.

Till next time,


Why You're Stuck in The Friend Zone

I grew up a “good girl” and by the time I got to college I guess you could say that I was considered the kind of “virtuous” woman that guys in the church tried to date. My answer almost invariably no. Yes, most of the guys who approached me were nice, and maybe they had serious intentions, but there was something I could see in all of them that made it easy for me to dismiss their advances.

They were too adoring.

I hate to sound full of myself, but I think it’s important for guys to understand why that may be a turn-off for some women.

See, people in my family, at church, and even at school already saw me in a certain light. I was a God-girl, seemingly perfect, a youth leader, and always studying. I really did come off as a cliched good girl.

Only a few people knew how messed up I was inside. I was trying so hard to be good because I thought if I studied hard enough and became a doctor, my accomplishments would make my parents happy enough to stay together. I thought if I was obedient, and did as much work around the house as possible, that my mom wouldn’t be so bothered by the problems in her marriage. I thought if I helped my younger sister with her homework and stayed on her back about getting her college applications done, she would snap out of the depression caused by everything happening in our family and become a successful person.

I remember lying awake some nights, my heart pounding and my hands clammy with sweat, worrying about my life, the future, and all the stuff I couldn’t control. I remember worrying that something terrible would happen and I would have no power to stop it from happening. It wasn’t until years later that I realized those were anxiety attacks. Sometimes I would be awake all night, and it wasn’t until I would start seeing the sun start to rise that I would feel calm enough to doze off for a little while.

So when guys would approach me, telling me how highly they thought of me, I would scoff and think to myself, “This dude has no idea who I am.” How do you know you want to date me when you don’t know a thing about me? You’re seeing me from afar, and assuming that the persona you see is the person I actually am. Why would I want to mess that up?

So my walls would stay up. I would smile politely and decline, saying that I thought sticking to being friends was a better idea.

When I met my husband, he gave me the adoring eyes treatment too, except he was a lot more sure of himself than most of the guys I’d ever spoken to. But he still got the “let’s just be friends” treatment. It wasn’t until we crossed paths again a year later that we became friends. We were both through with finding love, and trying to figure out our lives.

We would talk about everything, anything. For the first time in my life, I felt free to say exactly what I felt and what I was thinking. I told him stuff I had never told anyone before. And no matter what I told him, he still treated me the same. Eventually, he told me that he was into me. I told him I didn’t feel the same. I expected the conversation to get awkward and for us to hang up and never speak again, but he insisted that he was okay with it and that I better not act funny with him over it. I laughed and we kept talking. When I hung up I was amazed, and intrigued.

A couple of months later we were dating.

See, he had managed to avoid my adoring eyes radar by starting in the friend zone. It wasn’t until my walls had come down, and I was completely comfortable with him, that he announced his feelings for me. And even when I rejected him, he didn’t let it stop our friendship. He still wanted to talk with me and spend time with me. And that made me love him. He knew the best and worst about me, and he still wanted to be my friend.

So when he said that he was into me, it meant that he was into the person I actually was, not an ideal image he’d made up in his mind from a superficial association with me.

Apparently, I found that irresistible, and here we are today, married with two kids.

Click here to download my book!

Click here to download my book!

My advice to guys who think they’ve found their wife: take it easy on the whole “God told me you’re my wife” bit and try being her friend first without announcing your feelings. That’s a whole lot less threatening and gives her time to develop affection for you; that way, when you do announce your attraction, it’s a decision she actually has to think about instead of dismissing outright. It’s very easy to dismiss someone you don’t really know, as opposed to someone who’s company you enjoy and that you’ve begun to consider a friend.

Hope this helps! And may the odds be ever in your favor.

Kay G