I had pretty much resigned myself to stay single when I met my husband. My parents had just recently finalized their divorce after 30 years of a rocky marriage, the guy I really liked and thought was going to become my boyfriend got back with his ex, and I was just too done with love. I honestly didn’t care if I stayed single for the rest of my life if it meant avoiding heartbreak and the drama that comes with it. When I looked at my parents’ relationship I dreaded making the same mistakes they did. And I certainly didn’t want to end up marrying someone for the wrong reasons, only to find myself feeling miserable and disgusted with myself when I woke up every morning.
Then I met him. It wasn’t like the romantic comedies where there’s lots of passion and fireworks when the two characters meet. My heart didn’t start pounding whenever he came into the room.
It was more like him slowly growing on me until I realized I couldn’t imagine my life without him. You can read all about it in this post that went viral.
But when I thought about spending the rest of my life with him, and all the baggage we both had, I was still scared and worried that I was making a mistake. I loved him, but I really didn’t want to deal with all the difficulties I imagined would come up eventually if we got married. I was scared of the commitment.
But here I am, 7 years and 2 kids later, writing blogs about relationships and marriage.
I don’t regret getting married, and I now dedicate a lot of my spare time to advising single people on relationships and marriage.
So how did I get over my fears of making the commitment that we call marriage?
I did some serious soul-searching and had long, honest talks with God about these:
1. Character: I did a thorough mental evaluation of every aspect of my husband’s character. I was honest with myself about his flaws. I asked myself: If I have to live with this flaw for the next 10 years, will we still have a happy marriage?
That’s one of the MOST important questions to ask yourself. The thing that most people don’t understand about marriage is that the flaws you see in the person while you’re dating are only magnified when you get married. You’re living with each other, sleeping in the same bed, and waking up to each other every morning. Whatever it is about them that gets on your nerves, will only become even more frustrating. Constant frustration can lead to bitterness and resentment, which slowly chokes the affection in your marriage.
If you find that there’s an aspect of your partner’s character that you would not want to put up with in your marriage, don’t get married. Give them time to work on it and establish more positive habits so that you know the change is real, not something manufactured for the sake of getting you to say yes.
2. Chemistry: Did we have that spark, that attraction that draws two people to each other? Was I attracted to him physically and intellectually?
I’ll admit, I struggled with the physical attraction part in the beginning. He just wasn’t the type I usually went for. But the more I got to know him, the more endearing his looks became, and I found that my heart did speed up for a second whenever I saw him. As for the intellectual part, that was what got him out of the friend zone! We could talk for hours on the phone, and he understood me in a way that no one else ever had.
3. Commitment: We both took marriage seriously. We understood that we would both do whatever it took to make sure we were building our marriage on the right foundation. We were both willing to do whatever it took to work out whatever difficulties we would face. We were both committed to making sure our love stayed bright and strong.
4. Core Values: Part of the reason why we were able to have those long talks was because we were on the same page when it came to things that were important to us. Our moral standards were the same. We both valued family and friendship. We both wanted to be forces for change in our communities. We were both youth leaders at our churches and would encourage each other as we swapped stories. When it came to the types of lives we wanted to live, we were completely in sync.
Let me keep it real. Even with all of that, there were still times where I wondered if I had done the right thing. Marriage is still a leap of faith even when you and your spouse make awesome partners. It doesn’t mean that your marriage will be easy. Difficulties will always be a reality of life. Love will always entail taking a risk. But it’s a calculated risk. You have to approach it with your eyes wide open to everything you are risking.
After that, you entrust your marriage into God’s hands and know that He will keep your love going even when you both want to quit.
Seven years, 2 kids, and counting.
Till next time!
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