How Do I End My Toxic Relationship?

A while ago we received this question from one of our readers:

I’ve been having problems in my relationship from day one. This guy doesn’t seem committed to this relationship. He hardly takes me out on dates, never told me he loves me. When he cheats on me he just stops calling and texting me and doesn’t answer my calls. I might go six or seven months without hearing from him. I want to quit this relationship because it’s bringing me down emotionally. Should I quit or is there anything I can do? 

One of the first things I noticed about this situation was that this girl KNOWS that the guy isn’t committed to having a relationship with her. And you know what else I noticed? She’s trying to compensate for his lack of commitment. By asking “Is there anything I can do,” she’s transferring the responsibility for the guy’s lack of commitment to herself, as if there’s something wrong with her. She’s basically asking if there’s anything she can do on her end to convince the guy that she's someone worth committing to. 

Not only is this approach flawed, but it also reveals something about her character as well: she doesn't value herself enough.

Whenever you find yourself in a situation where you keep going back to something you KNOW isn't good for you, it's because you've conditioned yourself to accepting less than the best. You've stopped believing that you deserve the best.

Sometimes we want so badly to be loved that we're willing to settle for any version of it. But love shouldn’t hurt. True love motivates you to be a better person. It inspires you to chase your dreams and make them a reality. Love allows you to be confident in who you are despite your flaws. Love shouldn’t be toxic. 

So how do you get out of a toxic relationship and STAY out? 

1. Identify the root. You have to figure out why you find yourself drawn to these kinds of relationships.Sometimes it's because we feel like we can’t do better than what we currently have. Maybe you’re lonely, or scared of being alone. Maybe you’re just so used to having this person in your life that they’ve become your security blanket. Maybe the sex is great and you hold on to the hope that they’ll come to their senses and realize you’re perfect for each other. Whatever the case is, you need to identify why it is that you feel you have to told on to this person.

2. Find someone who can talk you off the ledge. Once you’ve identified the reason why you keep letting this person into your life, you need to make the decision that you want better for yourself. That being said, it’s going to be an uphill battle with your emotions. When you feel frustrated, lonely, or discouraged with things that stress you out in other areas of your life, you may reach out to this person as a way of self-medicating. This is when you need people in your life who care about you enough to talk you down from the ledge. In other words, you need people who can help you remember your reasons for letting go of this person. You need people who will pray with you, come over and keep you company, and encourage you to keep choosing better things for yourself. You need someone in your corner who knows what it’s like to resist a self-destructive craving. That person will help keep you accountable in the times you need it most. 

3. Find other goals to focus on. There’s nothing that can build up your confidence and motivation like working towards something that matters to you. Whether it’s an academic goal, like getting an A in a class, or going back to school. or going to the gym once a week. It can even be something like saving up money to take a trip out of town. The point is, whenever you accomplish one goal, you pick up momentum and have enough confidence to tackle the next one. When you feel like you’re winning in one area of your life, your love life (or lack thereof) doesn’t seem as dismal. It’s hard to stay sad for long when you’re busy working towards something that matters to you. The growth that it brings makes it worth the effort. 

4. Get around a different crowd. Like attracts like. If you're a person who lacks confidence, or tries to find validation in the opinions of others, chances are your friends are the same way. Find people who possess the character that you're trying to build in yourself. You'll never rise any higher if you constantly surround yourself with people who can't help you be better. 

Today I challenge you to have the courage to want more for yourself. Let go of mediocrity and make room in your life for something better. 

Till next time!

Kay Gus


P.S. If you want to work on yourself and increase your confidence in relationships, but don't know where to start, download your FREE copy of Working On Me: A 7-Day Guide To Changing Your Relationships By Changing Yourself.