My Spouse Wants Oral Sex But I Don't

When I got married, I didn’t really like oral sex. I knew it was something that men seemed to enjoy based on movies I had watched in the past, and comments that I would hear guys make around me, but I was kind of reluctant to do it.

Why? Well, for several reasons.

First, it just seemed like work. Like, it would be a lot of effort and only one of us would really enjoy it.

Second, I think being a micriobiology major played a role in me thinking about what happened on a microscopic level during oral sex and just thinking….ew, ew, ew! It just seemed dirty and germy to me.

Third, I think my Christian upbringing just made me feel like anything outside the regular vaginal sex was vulgar (more about that later)

And I know I’m not the only woman who has had a problem with relating to oral sex this way because I saw it in a movie once:

I remember watching “The Brothers,” a movie about 4 different couples. The character played by D.L. Hughley had an ongoing feud with his wife because she wouldn’t give him oral sex. He felt that she was being selfish because she wouldn’t give him the one thing he asked of her. His wife was angry because she felt that he was being a selfish pervert who wanted to degrade her by having her perform oral sex. The movie ended with their love being renewed by a near-death plot twist and his wife realizing how much he meant to her and finally deciding to give her husband what he wanted all along.

In my studying this topic I realized that men and women approach sex differently. For men, it’s almost as if their love language is sex.

Great sex makes men happy. They’ll do anything for you when you give them great sex consistently.

For a lot of women though, sex is already a chore they have to do at the end of the day on top of everything else (job, taking care of kids, housekeeping duties, etc).

On top of that, a LOT of women reach climax through clitoral stimulation, not vaginal penetration. And although many women enjoy receiving oral sex, they don't like to be the one giving it.

Put all that together and sex between a husband and wife can become very complicated, and if the differences aren't addressed, spouses end up feeling discontented and isolated. 

I think it’s very important to do the following if you and your spouse are having issues when it comes to sex and your preferences.

1.     Talk about it! It’s very affirming when you know your partner enjoys sex with you, so your spouse may take your refusal (to sex or a specific type) as a personal rejection.  Communication when it comes to sex is just as important as anything else. Don’t just shut down your spouse. Have an open and honest conversation about why you don’t enjoy it or don’t want to engage in it. It might be embarrassing and awkward, but not discussing your sexual preferences has the potential to cause a rift in your relationship.

The last thing you want to do is create distance that ends up messing up your intimacy, because that sets the stage for your spouse looking for other ways to fill that gap, whether it be infidelity, alchohol, or anything else.

2.     Be open to learning. Our culture does a great job of demonizing sex and making it seem like something raunchy or dirty. But sex was created by God to be a beautiful demonstration of love and oneness with between spouses.

When I first got married I had a very narrow view of sex and thought certain positions were sinful or “dirty.”

Over time though I realized that I’d come into marriage with a flawed conception of sex in general.  So I read books and blogs about how to increase intimacy and make sex better, and over time I became more open to trying new things.

3.     Check your mindset-it determines your approach.  Over time I’ve learned that sex isn’t just about me. It’s about both my spouse and I seeking to please one another and show each other love. If you approach sex like a performance where your spouse has to please you while you just sit back and enjoy the ride (no pun intended), neither of you will ever enjoy it the way it was meant to be enjoyed.

 Even though I was reluctant about the whole OS thing, after a while I realized that when I focused on making my hubby feel great I enjoyed it a whole lot more. The act itself aroused me because I saw how much pleasure it gave my husband. And that’s when it occurred to me that I had been approaching sex selfishly.

Personally, I've come to realize that a couples' sex life is often a thermostat for the marriage itself. If you find yourself being selfish in the bedroom, if your spouse is feeling like their needs aren't met, chances are that's the case in other areas of your relationship as well. 

4.     Get help. Sexual compatibility is very important in a marriage. If the problem is turning out to be bigger than both of you can handle together, invest time and money into finding a licensed professional who can help you work through the issues you’re facing.

Your attitude about sex and your sexual needs can be greatly impacted by past trauma, upbringing, and other factors. So it may take time to delve into those issues and resolve them properly. But it’s definitely worth investing in because it pays off in better intimacy and better sex!

Your marriage may depend on it.