Before I started dating my husband. I met a guy that I thought was “the one” through friends in my church circle. I got him to speak at an event at my church, and before I knew it, he and I were texting back and forth very frequently. One day he texted me “Can I call you?” In that moment I realized that I was definitely attracted to him and wanted to get to know him more.
We started talking on the phone, sometimes for hours. I felt like the more I got to know him, the more I realized that he was exactly the kind of guy I wanted: he loved God, he was a pastor, educated, and wasn’t afraid to take a stand for things he believed in. I started imagining my future with him in it: starting a youth ministry together with him, being in the pew to cheer him on when he preached, the whole nine. I was even friends with his sister so in my mind I thought “This is perfect.” There was just one small hiccup: he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet.
One night his sister, his mom, and the two of us ended up going to the movies. When we pulled up to my house, he didn't bother walking me to my door. As they drove away I felt insulted and confused. Hadn't we just (technically) been on a date?
The next day I made up my mind to ask him what his intentions were. He explained that he didn't want to lead me on, and that he wasn't over his ex yet. He also said he didn’t want to hurt anyone so he wanted me to know he wasn’t looking to be in a relationship. I thought it was just nervousness talking. I figured in time he would get over his hesitation because I could clearly sense that he found me attractive and enjoyed our friendship because we spent so much time talking.
I prayed about it and asked God to show me if this was meant to be. And it seemed like right after I prayed that prayer, I got a text from this guy. Yes! That had to be my sign! Time went on and the same thing kept happening, so I thought he was the one.
All of a sudden, he seemed to become distant. I would call and he would say he was too busy to talk at that moment. I started getting a sinking feeling in my stomach about the situation. Something wasn’t right. (Duh!)
One day I was riding the bus home from my classes, and I got this feeling that something was about to happen. Something that would make me sad. It was an eerie feeling that I had never felt before. When I got home, I received a call from my guy friend. When I saw his name on the caller ID I felt relieved. I hadn’t heard from him in a few days. I smiled as I picked up the phone and flipped it open.
"Hey!" I said bright, eager to catch up. In the next few seconds, he explained that he and his ex-girlfriend were getting back together. I was shocked. This was completely unexpected. Tears gathered in my eyes and I blinked them back quickly.
I didn’t even know what to say. I cleared my throat and tried to be civil. “Well, um, if you love her, then…” I kind of had to choke out the word love as I said it because I didn’t want it to be true. It couldn’t be true. I had prayed about it. God had given me signs. But here he was, telling me he was getting into a relationship with someone else.
In the next few days I started finding out more details: I hadn't heard from him in a few days because he had actually gone out of town-to see her. She would be coming to town soon and they would probably be getting married in the next few months. I felt like such an idiot. He had tried to tell me that he wasn't going to pursue me, but I didn't listen. I kept wasting my time hoping he would come to his senses when he was probably trying to work things out with his ex the whole time!
In the next few days I took a long look at myself and my feelings for this guy. I thought back to all the time we spent talking. It took a while for me to admit it to myself, but I realized that I had been so caught up in my feelings of attraction for this guy that I hadn't used my common sense. I should've stopped texting and talking to him on the phone immediately after he expressed that he wasn't looking for a relationship. Instead I had convinced myself that he would eventually get over his ex and start pursuing me.
Ladies, if the guy you like tells you he isn't looking for a relationship, believe him. It doesn't matter how much time you spend on the phone talking, or if you've had sex with them, or met their family and they love you. Believe their words. Don't allow yourself to become a distraction for them to pass the time. Set up boundaries so that you don't find yourself falling into this role. And this principle applies to guys as well.
Guys, don't allow yourself to be someone's rebound or toy. If you're pursuing her but suspect she's only with you to make someone else jealous, or to forget her ex, fall back.
Use your common sense. Love isn't blind.
Till next time!
P.S. If you want to read more about what it takes to be ready for marriage, and life after "I Do," download our FREE e-book entitled "Love Me This Way," written by yours truly!