In my last blog post I talked about how growing up in a porn-addicted culture causes a lot of problems in Christian marriages because husbands take what they’ve seen in porn and bring those expectations into their marriages. I had a lot of people chime in with comments like “Shouldn’t married people want sex to be adventurous and exciting?” and “Porn is okay if it’s used consensually to enhance sex.” So I wanted to write a follow-up post to get this message across:
Sex between married sex CAN and SHOULD be adventurous and exciting! But you DON’T need porn to do that!
All you need is your 5 senses, a bit of knowledge about human anatomy, and a lot of imagination 😉.
1. God gave us our senses for a reason!
When a husband and wife come together for sexual intimacy, what makes it so beautiful is that the love they share gets to be expressed using all five senses! Great sex starts with intentional, amazing foreplay. Great sex is basically worshipping your spouse-telling them how wonderful they are, how amazing their body is, how it feels having your skin rub against theirs. It’s also important for a couple to touch each other instead of just hopping on thrusting-that just takes all the wonder and fun out of it. It’s also important to use your mouth to explore your spouse’s body-ALL of it 😊. If you just use all your senses to engage in foreplay, sex will flow and become an adventure because you’ll be thinking of new ways to explore each other, instead of just pleasing yourself (which porn actually promotes).
2. Learn about your partner’s sweet spots!
Most women find it hard to achieve an orgasm vaginally. That means that as great as the thrusting may feel for the man, a lot of women need something extra to reach their climax. This is where knowledge of human anatomy is so essential.
Just like the tip of the penis is the most sensitive part of the man’s body, the clitoris is the most sensitive area of a woman’s body. Just like the tip of the penis, it’s full of nerve endings and blood vessels. As a matter of fact, the penis and the clitoris are the exact same parts, just arranged in a different way. Just as the penis same gets erect when it fills up with blood during arousal, so does the clitoris.
I’m not sure why, but so many guys are in such a rush to get to the thrusting part that they neglect to make sure their wives are just as ready. (Some women are in a rush too, but usually because they’re tired and want to get sex over with, sadly). How do you stimulate the clitoris? The same way you stimulate a penis…by hand, by mouth, or friction with another part of the body (e.g. grinding).
A big part of the wonder of sex is hearing your spouse’s moans of pleasure as you stimulate their sensitive body parts…so get to work!
I wrote a whole post on oral sex, which you can look at here. Giving and receiving oral sex is awesome, if you’re willing to try it.
3. Use your imagination!
The mind is a powerful thing. God created us with the power to think creatively. If mankind can pervert that ability to create porn and other corrupt stuff, imagine how things can be if we channel that power to make our marriage bed a place where our spouse can feel adored and cherished?
I think part of keeping the spice in sex long after “I do” is finding ways to keep your spouse wondering. I like to send my husband random flirty texts. You can send pictures of yourself wearing a sexy outfit (although I shudder to think what would happen if they fell into the wrong hands in this day and age), voice notes or messages where you tell them in detail what you’d like to do that night, or how much you love and appreciate them. Unexpected affection and flirtation shows that you’re thinking about them in the middle of the day’s craziness, and that goes a long way to showing how much you care.
Cook their favorite meal, role play, bring food into bed…there are so many different things you can do that don’t involve PORN. It’s really not necessary. All you need to do is focus on the person in front of you, the love of your life, and making them understand how much you love them. The rest will work itself out!
It takes practice and communication, but it makes marriage so much sweeter!
Hope this helps!