Why You're Stuck in The Friend Zone

I grew up a “good girl” and by the time I got to college I guess you could say that I was considered the kind of “virtuous” woman that guys in the church tried to date. My answer almost invariably no. Yes, most of the guys who approached me were nice, and maybe they had serious intentions, but there was something I could see in all of them that made it easy for me to dismiss their advances.

They were too adoring.

I hate to sound full of myself, but I think it’s important for guys to understand why that may be a turn-off for some women.

See, people in my family, at church, and even at school already saw me in a certain light. I was a God-girl, seemingly perfect, a youth leader, and always studying. I really did come off as a cliched good girl.

Only a few people knew how messed up I was inside. I was trying so hard to be good because I thought if I studied hard enough and became a doctor, my accomplishments would make my parents happy enough to stay together. I thought if I was obedient, and did as much work around the house as possible, that my mom wouldn’t be so bothered by the problems in her marriage. I thought if I helped my younger sister with her homework and stayed on her back about getting her college applications done, she would snap out of the depression caused by everything happening in our family and become a successful person.

I remember lying awake some nights, my heart pounding and my hands clammy with sweat, worrying about my life, the future, and all the stuff I couldn’t control. I remember worrying that something terrible would happen and I would have no power to stop it from happening. It wasn’t until years later that I realized those were anxiety attacks. Sometimes I would be awake all night, and it wasn’t until I would start seeing the sun start to rise that I would feel calm enough to doze off for a little while.

So when guys would approach me, telling me how highly they thought of me, I would scoff and think to myself, “This dude has no idea who I am.” How do you know you want to date me when you don’t know a thing about me? You’re seeing me from afar, and assuming that the persona you see is the person I actually am. Why would I want to mess that up?

So my walls would stay up. I would smile politely and decline, saying that I thought sticking to being friends was a better idea.

When I met my husband, he gave me the adoring eyes treatment too, except he was a lot more sure of himself than most of the guys I’d ever spoken to. But he still got the “let’s just be friends” treatment. It wasn’t until we crossed paths again a year later that we became friends. We were both through with finding love, and trying to figure out our lives.

We would talk about everything, anything. For the first time in my life, I felt free to say exactly what I felt and what I was thinking. I told him stuff I had never told anyone before. And no matter what I told him, he still treated me the same. Eventually, he told me that he was into me. I told him I didn’t feel the same. I expected the conversation to get awkward and for us to hang up and never speak again, but he insisted that he was okay with it and that I better not act funny with him over it. I laughed and we kept talking. When I hung up I was amazed, and intrigued.

A couple of months later we were dating.

See, he had managed to avoid my adoring eyes radar by starting in the friend zone. It wasn’t until my walls had come down, and I was completely comfortable with him, that he announced his feelings for me. And even when I rejected him, he didn’t let it stop our friendship. He still wanted to talk with me and spend time with me. And that made me love him. He knew the best and worst about me, and he still wanted to be my friend.

So when he said that he was into me, it meant that he was into the person I actually was, not an ideal image he’d made up in his mind from a superficial association with me.

Apparently, I found that irresistible, and here we are today, married with two kids.

Click here to download my book!

Click here to download my book!

My advice to guys who think they’ve found their wife: take it easy on the whole “God told me you’re my wife” bit and try being her friend first without announcing your feelings. That’s a whole lot less threatening and gives her time to develop affection for you; that way, when you do announce your attraction, it’s a decision she actually has to think about instead of dismissing outright. It’s very easy to dismiss someone you don’t really know, as opposed to someone who’s company you enjoy and that you’ve begun to consider a friend.

Hope this helps! And may the odds be ever in your favor.

Kay G

Why Weddings Don't Impress Me Anymore

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I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard that the divorce rate in America is about 50%, and that this particular statistic includes Christians. For the longest time I naively thought that if both people getting married love Jesus and each other, that the marriage would last no matter what. I thought that love always conquers all.  When I would hear about people getting divorced I would think to myself, “Well, they clearly didn’t trust God enough,” or “ If only people would put God first in their marriage…..”

I’ve always been a romantic. I’m a sucker for love stories and happy endings. I want to believe that people can live happily ever after, especially if we claim to believe in a God who can work miracles and make a way out of no way.

But as the years went by, and I witnessed people I loved going through some serious sh*t in their marriages, I realized that my view of love and marriage and love conquering all had been extremely filtered. I realized that if love conquers all, it requires a brutal, heartbreaking struggle to get to the other side. And the sad truth is that a lot of the people who walk away from their marriages decide they just can’t do it. 

I can’t say I blame them. It’s extremely easy to get up in front of people who are cheering you on and make promises. It’s quite another to keep those promises when you feel like you don’t even recognize who your spouse is anymore. What if they become verbally abusive? What if they develop an addiction?  How do you keep holding on when it feels like every day your heart is getting stomped on by an insensitive or selfish spouse? How do you patiently keep loving your spouse through a life-changing illness or injury? Keeping your vows when you feel like there’s no place or person you can turn to can feel extremely isolating and painful.

So yes, I’ll come to your wedding and cheer you on as you make your vows. I’ll hoot and holler when it’s time to kiss the bride. But inside, I’ll be praying that you guys are willing to invest the same amount of money, energy, and effort into keeping your marriage healthy. I’ll pray that even when you want to quit, that God will hold you together through the supernatural power of His love. Because even though you the words you say in the moment are coming from a place that’s sincere and means well, there’s no way on earth you can follow through on your own. There will come a day when you’ll feel like you don’t want to be married anymore to the person standing in front of you. And when that day comes, you’ll need more than memories to keep you there.

You’ll need Him.

Nope, weddings don’t impress me anymore, but I’ll tell you what does.;

Couples that are transparent with other couples about their struggles; Couples that fight to find solutions for their issues; Spouses that are willing to go to therapy to dig deep and figure out why they’re messed up, and what they can do to heal and grow;

Couples that hold on to each other through the storms in faith that there’s light on the other side.

Now that’s impressive.

 

Till next time,

Kay 

Is Flirting Always Wrong If You're Married?

When I think about it, I have to admit that as a woman, when men have flirted with me it sometimes boosts my self-esteem in that moment. After giving birth to two kids sometimes I feel like a frump. I don’t always feel like I’m attractive as I once was, and guys flirting with me gives me the reassurance that I’ve still got it. It’s almost like a relief: Yes! The general male population still finds me attractive even though I can’t button my jeans most of the time!

I don’t think I’ve ever flirted back (at least not intentionally), but reading up on the topic definitely had me examining myself and wondering if I’ve ever flirted without realizing it. I mean, flirting can be so subtle. It can be you smiling at someone for longer than a second, looking into their eyes, or touching them on the arm. It doesn’t necessarily have to be you telling someone they look attractive.

So to start with, let’s look at the definition of the word. Interestingly, there were two definitions when I looked it up on Merriam-Webster’s dictionary. The first definition said: to behave amorously without serious intent. And the second definition was “to show superficial or casual interest or liking.”

So people flirt just because and also when they want it to lead to something more.

For example, a friend of mine once told me that her husband flirted with their server at a restaurant to make sure they got good service. She didn’t seem bothered by it, but I know that some women would feel really threatened if they’re husbands did that.

That being said, I guess one of the things that determines whether your flirting is wrong is your intention. What are you trying to get out of it?

  • Are you looking for attention because your spouse doesn’t make you feel important or attractive?  
  • Are you doing it just for fun?
  • Are you doing it in order to get it to lead to something more?

Whatever the reason, I think that there need to be some clear boundaries to help us figure out when we may potentially be disrespecting our spouse and our marriage:

  •  Do you find yourself flirting with the same person over and over?
  •   Do you find yourself daydreaming about that person and what the flirting could lead to?
  •  Do you feel guilty about your flirting?
  • Are you keeping your flirting a secret from your friends?

If you find yourself doing these things I think it’s safe to say that you need to stop and establish boundaries that will protect your marriage from an emotional or physical affair.

So what do you guys think?

Is it always wrong to flirt if you’re married? How do you react when other people flirt with you?  How do you react when people flirt with your spouse in front of you?

Till next time!

Kay Gus

P.S. Get your FREE copy of our ebooks by clicking on the book covers on the right! 

 

My Marriage Had Become Stale and I Didn't Even Realize It

A few weeks ago, I was listening to a podcast by my favorite motivational speaker as I was driving to work. One of the points he made was about how a lot of married couples put so much money into their businesses and “the grind” but aren’t willing to put the same amount of money into their marriages.

As I reflected on my own marriage, I came to a scary realization: my husband and I have spent A LOT of money on growing our business, personal development, and even electronic devices, but not even a fraction of that amount on our own marriage. It was really sobering. I realized that we hardly ever put any real effort into planning special moments for one another aside from the yearly stuff: birthdays, anniversaries, etc. When I got to work I texted my husband about the podcast. He was listening to it too and thought it was amazing, but I guess the marriage part hadn’t hit him as hard as it hit me. “We need to have a conversation about this,” I wrote.

Later on that evening we both talked about the fact that we had gotten so comfortable with each other that we had started taking each other for granted. Our friendship was such an open, honest one that I guess we had started settling for a good friendship and slowly stopped putting effort into the romance and spark of our marriage. Instead of being proactive about keeping the spark going in our marriage I began resorting to reading romance novels and watching romantic movies. I was content watching fictional characters enjoy the romance I was too lazy to create in my own life. Pretty pathetic eh?

To be honest, we had these conversations before, but when I stopped to think about how much money we were putting into everything EXCEPT our marriage, it made me realize that even though others may see me as a sort of relationship “expert,” my marriage is just as vulnerable as anyone else’s.

The truth of the matter is, it’s easy to fall into a rut. When both spouses are busy with the demands of a nine to five career and kids-not to mention extra stuff like school or starting a business-it’s very easy to put your marriage on the backburner. Paying bills, spending time with your kids, and ensuring financial stability for the future are all very important things. But the most important thing is your spouse. After all, your kids will hurt just as much if you and your spouse grow apart and decide to get divorced. Launching a business successfully won’t have as much meaning if you lose your spouse along the way.

So how can we make sure that we invest in our marriages and keep that spark going between us and our spouses? I found that the answer is simple: be intentional. Applying it is a whole other thing though. What does being intentional about keeping our marriages healthy and happy look like?

Close your eyes and imagine your wedding. How much time did you invest in planning for it? How much money did you invest into making that day beautiful and special? Now open your eyes and commit yourself to putting just as much money and time into romancing your spouse. Here are some suggestions:

1.  Keep a wish list. Have a box in the house dedicated to this. You and your spouse can put slips of paper where you write down things you enjoy doing, places you’d like to visit, or a meal you’d like to try. Every month, you can pick something from the box to do together, or plan for each other.

2. Schedule quality time. Have a shared calendar on your phones where you schedule your date nights and other special times together.

3. Plan ahead. Once that date is on the calendar, make sure you plan everything else around it, including work stuff. Nothing is more important than your spouse. So act like it. Planning ahead will ensure that you don’t put each other on the backburner anymore.

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but by doing these things we’re helping make our marriage a HEALTHY one, and that’s what we hope you all strive for as well.

Till next time!

Kay Gus

P.S. We get REALLY transparent in our e-book “Love Me This Way.” Download your FREE copy by clicking here if you want to know what it really takes to love your partner.

P.P.S If you already have the e-book, we wrote a follow-up 7-day devotional to help you put the principles from the e-book into practice. Whether you’re single or already in a relationship, this guide will help you dig deep into yourself and put in the work you need to have healthier relationships. Click here to check out "Working On ME."