Help! I Don't Enjoy Sex Anymore

 Photo by Pasha Gray from Pexels

Photo by Pasha Gray from Pexels

I recently read an article entitled: “What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity” and I can honestly tell you that I was shocked, and not for the reasons you think.

This woman purposely hooked up with married men who had no intention of leaving their wives. On their dates, she would ask why they would take the risk of having an affair instead of telling their wives. Now for the shocking part.

They really loved their wives. No, seriously. One of them specifically said he and his wife had raised kids together, built a life together, but he didn’t want to hurt her by expressing his frustration with their sex life. hen she was clearly already feeling bad about it.

It got me to thinking: How many people are having affairs because of sexless marriages? And how many women are avoiding this conversation with their husbands because they’re too ashamed to admit they’ve lost their sex drive?

I’ve read enough blogs on marriage and sex to know that there are married couples aren’t happy with their sex lives, but are too ashamed to admit it.

If you’re a wife who’s been struggling with a low sex drive, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. A lot of other women out there are going through the same thing.

The most common reasons we have a lowered sex drive are:

1. Our changing hormone levels.

As women, our hormone levels change dramatically during and after pregnancy, and around menopause. As a result, our vaginas feel drier and sex may become painful. Who wants to have sex when it hurts all the time? This is also true for those of us who have had immediate menopause after chemotherapy or surgical removal of reproductive organs.

Changing hormone levels and dryness also just makes us feel less sexier. When I had our kids and my husband wanted to have sex, all I could think about was how unsexy I looked with milk leaking from my boobs, C-section scar, and stomach pouch.

 Definitely not how I feel with leaky boobs! ----Photo by nappy from Pexels

Definitely not how I feel with leaky boobs! ----Photo by nappy from Pexels

2. Our stressful lives.

Low sex drive peaks between 35-64 for women. That sounds like a looong time, but it makes sense. During that time, we’re raising our kids, then caring for aging parents (or maybe both at the same time!), not to mention job challenges. With all these things weighing on our minds, sex is the last thing we’re putting on our calendar! That makes sense since our brains are the largest sexual organ.

3. Our other marital problems.

If you’re not happy with your marriage, of course it’s going to be hard to be intimate with your husband. A woman needs to feel completely relaxed and secure with her partner in order to enjoy sex. Again, our brains are the most important sexual organ. If your mind isn’t into it because you guys keep having fights about money, or he’s not showing you affection during the day but expecting sex at night….well, you get the picture. It simply won’t work.

I’m hoping that by the end of the article you’ll be convinced to have this conversation with your husband and tell him exactly what’s going on in that mind of yours. Yes, he may feel embarrassed at first. Men like to know that they please their wives in bed. It gives their ego a great boost. But hopefully, after the initial embarrassment, your husband will realize that your happiness is more important than his ego. What matters more is that you two get over this hurdle together. Here’s why it’s so important that you talk to him honestly:

You can stop ignoring the elephant in the room.

 Some wives tense up the moment they sense their husband wants sex, because they feel guilty or ashamed for not giving him any. Some men can sense it. If he hasn’t brought it up himself, he may be trying to avoid making you feel guilty. Or maybe he’s found other things to keep him occupied: sports, drinking, hanging out with friends, or in a worst-case scenarios, an affair. I’m not saying this to scare anyone, but men experience intimacy differently than we do. Women may be satisfied with more complex things like talking about a book we’ve read, or cuddling on the couch, but men feel loved when their wives give them great sex. Period.

You can start working on solutions.

Once you’ve cleared the air, you can start working together to find solutions. It may be as simple as buying a water-based lubricant at the store, or getting a gym membership so you can have an outlet for your stress. In other cases, you may need to get marital counseling to work through the complex issues that are plaguing your marriage and making you feel disconnected from your husband. Whatever the case may be, strategizing on solutions to a problem will make the problem appear much more manageable than before, when you were struggling with it alone.

Your marriage will be transformed.

 You can get back to sizzling hot sex!~Photography by Sarah Jordan Brazier

You can get back to sizzling hot sex!~Photography by Sarah Jordan Brazier

Working together to improve your marriage will give you and your husband a renewed sense of intimacy. You’ll feel more connected and be a stronger couple knowing that you got over this hurdle together.

So...

31 Days to Great Sex
By Sheila Wray Gregoire

Starting a conversation with your husband about your low sex drive can be embarrassing. But the truth needs to come out. Don’t let it be the “elephant in the room” in your relationship. Don’t let it cause a rift between you.  Put the issues out in the open, with the purpose of finding solutions. You’ll find your problems a lot more manageable that way. Sometimes the solutions are so practical you’ll wonder why you avoided talking about it in the first place. Other issues make require time to fix, but knowing that both of you are putting in work to overcome it TOGETHER will renew your sense of closeness and recharge your marriage.

So take that first step and have that conversation. You won’t regret it. 

My fellow blogger Sheila Gregoire wrote this great book on bringing sexy back to your marriage. You're welcome!

 

Till next time!

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5 Tips to Help Moms Eliminate Stress And Save Time

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I used to dread Sundays.

I don’t know about you, but on Sundays I have the BIGGEST to-do list: lesson planning, meal prep, laundry, not to mention washing and styling me AND my daughter’s hair. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I would go to sleep Sunday night feeling anxious because something on my to-do list wasn’t done. Then the rest of the week I would have to play catch-up, which of course made me feel even more stressed out.  

I remember going to sleep on Saturday night already feeling like I had lost the battle for the next day.

Then I had this amazing epiphany that shifted my thinking and made my life a lot less hectic.

Are you ready for it?

Here it is: It’s okay if EVERYTHING on my list doesn’t get done.

When I finally accepted that, I had so much more peace of mind. I was actually able to start enjoying my Sundays-and even started looking forward to them.

But there were a few changes that I had to make that made a huge difference in my productivity that I hope you can start implementing too.

1. Make a to-do list and PRIORITIZE it

On Saturday night, I would make a list of everything that needed to get done, and then spend the rest of the day trying to multitask every moment to get it all done.

I would cook while waiting for laundry to get done, try to lesson plan while playing with my kids, and basically try to do the impossible in a 12-hour period.  

When I started prioritizing that to-do list, things go so much simpler. I used Brian Tracy’s A--B-C method to figure out one or two things that absolutely had to get done that day and make those my “A” items. If I got nothing else but those 2 things, I went to sleep feeling accomplished.

Every day highlight no more than 3 things that you ABSOLUTELY have to do yourself every day. Some things you can delegate, other things you can eliminate entirely and do at some other time. Using this method will also make your to-do list a lot more manageable and take away the feeling of being defeated before the day even starts.

2.  Make a daily schedule

For the longest time, I would crawl out of bed and go straight to the kitchen to get breakfast ready before the kids woke. Then once they woke up it was time to get them ready for school. I would leave for work every morning wishing the day was over so I could get some time to myself. I kept hoping and wishing for more time to work on my blog, or enough time to exercise.

It wasn’t until I made a schedule for myself where I included all the things that I wanted to do but couldn’t seem to find enough time to do. I realized that I had more time than I thought. Once I accounted for every hour that went by, I was able to squeeze more productivity into my day.

Something about having my daily schedule programmed into my phone with alerts put me in a different mindset. I was eager to go to the next task and get it done. I stopped feeling like I was constantly falling behind.

My husband and I started scheduling our date nights, and time to do things with our kids as a family. We even scheduled financial meetings and found our relationship got SO much better when we were on the same page about our money.

And maybe most important of all, I started finding ways to get the spiritual upliftment I needed. I figured that if I was too tired to wake up early to get that time alone with God, I could have it in my car on the way to work. I started listening to sermon podcasts from Steven Furtick and motivational podcasts by Rosetta Thurman.

Getting into a daily routine that I had planned out instead of just letting the day happen to me made a huge difference in my state of mind. I was more upbeat and excited to start my day because I had more control of it.  My spirit was being nourished constantly instead of running on fumes.

3.   Focus on ONE thing at a time

Multitasking is overrated. At least for me it is. Whenever I try to multitask, I end up burning breakfast, or putting the wrong answer on the exam’s answer key, or some other mistake that makes me regret multitasking.  I used to love listening to my favorite YouTubers while I did stuff during my planning period at work, but then I realized I got more done, and done well, when I focused on ONE thing at a time.

The same thing applied at home. My nerves were less frazzled when I just enjoyed playing with my kids and reading stories to them instead of trying to prepare Instagram posts while trying to spend quality time with them, then feeling guilty about it.

When you use all your brain power to accomplish a task, you’re able to figure out ways to get it done more efficiently, and then you have more time for the next task. If you keep doing it for every task on your to-do list, you’ll find that you actually have time left over at the end of the day to do something you enjoy or get ready for the next day.

4.   Delegate.

Sometimes it’s so tempting to feel like YOU have to do everything: the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, helping the kids with their homework. But I realized something after several attempts at laundry: my husband is better at it. He folds the clothes like a military man, and puts everything away. So after a while, we agreed that he would be the laundry person.

It’s okay to let someone else help. Family members, friends, professional services-use any and all of them if they’re going to help you use the time you have more efficiently.  =

Just a word of caution though: be okay if your helpers don’t do things exactly the way you do it. I know it’s easier said than done, but trying to micromanage everything will only stress you out even more. Focus on your strengths and try to delegate the other stuff.

5.   Be realistic.

Your to-do list and daily schedule can’t have 500 things that ALL get done. If you get you’re A-list items done, consider that a win. One time I was talking to a close friend of mine and telling her how overwhelming it felt to try to get so much done on the weekends. She casually replied to me that she had been stopped trying to do all that. “Ain’t nobody got time for that,” she said. “It’s either I clean, or do laundry.”  he let her husband know that she was only going to do one of those things, so the other stuff would either get left undone for a week, or he could pick up the slack.

As moms, we want to make sure that we take good care of our families. Sometimes though, that desire causes us to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to get it all done, and to make sure everything is perfect. The reality is, there will always be more to do.  Everything won’t be perfect.

If you get into the habit of prioritizing the most important stuff (that includes self-care by the way), being realistic about what you will accomplish every day, and focusing on one thing at a time until it’s complete, you’ll find that you actually get more done than you thought possible. You’ll go to sleep at night content instead of stressing about stuff that was left undone.

In other words, you won’t dread Sundays anymore.  

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